Friday, October 14, 2011

"Oh God, he thought, or other suitable entity ..."

I have decided by executive order as the sole content provider for this blog that Fridays will now be the home of a new feature. We're calling this nascent creation:

"Oh God, he thought, or other suitable entity ..."

If you don't get the reference, then you haven't read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. In which case, stop reading this, stop everything, and go buy or download yourself a copy. Do it. Now. That book is excellent.

Anyway, the crux of this column will be a weekly earnest plea to whatever higher powers might be listening, or to the capriciousness of a random universe if that's what it takes. An obsequious and humble request that something happen which I cannot, myself, instigate.

Our inaugural entry falls to an admittedly silly idea ... but trust me, it would be awesome is this actually transpired. OK, here goes ...

Oh God, he thought, or other suitable entity:

As you are no doubt aware, "Back To The Future II" is an excellent movie. Not just because Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd are hilarious, but because so many things it fictitiously predicted in the "distant future" of 2015 have come to pass.

Video conferencing? Check. Gazillions of channels worth of TV programming? Check. Split-screen/pic-in-pic TVs? Check. Cars that run on alternative fuel sources? Check. (Well, kinda-sorta. We're getting there.) Flying cars? Semi-check. (By the way, two things about that clip: 1. That thing is not nearly as cool as a Delorean with a shiny flux capacitor in the back seat. And 2. What exactly is with that music? Seriously, listen to the lyrics. It's actually kind of a cool song, I guess. Easy to relate to. I, too, want to be in AC/DC, because that would be awesome. My rock star aspirations notwithstanding, however, why they ever came to think "this is the perfect background jam for our flying car promo!", I have absolutely no idea.)

And then there's the stuff we could definitely use that has so far failed to materialize, to my eternal chagrin. Things BTF2 speculated upon that I would like now, please:

Automatically-sizing and/or self-drying clothing. (Oh, and while we're talking apparel, self-lacing shoes.)
Dust-repelling paper.
Auto-serve gas stations.
Rejuvenation clinics.
Hoverboards. (Obviously. If Steve Jobs had lived, we'd have had iBoards within the next decade, easy. Get on this, scientists!!! Make me proud!!!)

But above all of that, I humbly implore you, make this happen.

Virtually all of the heavy has been done for you, for chrissakes. I always thought it was cool that they nailed the "baseball team in Florida" thing, but starting next season, we'll have an actual Miami Marlins franchise. Starting right now, newly-minted GM Theo Epstein is already busy scheming on ways to revitalize the Cubs. Epstein is and awfully smart guy, but that's going to take him some time. He doesn't have a Red Sox-sized payroll behind him now, and much of Chicago's Baseball Operations department needs a house-cleaning and restructuring. It's going to take a few years of work to turn things around. Just for fun, let's give him a time frame. Say ... the 2015 season? I'd say that's enough time for Epstein to work his magic and help a second beleaguered franchise conquer a mountain of history, doubt, poor decisions, bad mojo, and curses.

So all we need is the following:

A. Epstein to actually help the Cubs as much as he helped Boston.

B. Some sort of realignment to land the Marlins in the AL before 2015. (This is easy, just swap them with the Tampa Bay Rays. I'm tired of hearing them whine about being stuck in the AL East with a tiny payroll, anyway. Give the Marlins a shot at it and let Tampa Bay deal with Philly and Atlanta for awhile.)

C. The Marlins to somehow make the World Series in 2015. This is entirely plausible, especially if we grant that B. has already occurred. The Yankees are getting old and, gratuitously deep pockets or not, they're going into a rebuilding phase even if they do land C.J. Wilson and Big Papi in free agency. The Sox obviously just underwent massive upheaval and internal fracturing between those in the dugout and those in the front office. Along with some very onerous contracts they still have on the books, this will likely hamstring them for a while. Therefore, all the new hypothetical AL-East based Miami Marlins would have to do is be better than two ailing and crippled juggernauts, the Blue Jays, and the Orioles. Peace of cake, right?

And then, in the craziest-ever example of life imitating art (you're damn right I just called BTF2 art!), the Cubs can sweep Miami in the 2015 World Series and all will be right with the world. (I'm not a Cubs fan, but jeeze I feel for that poor town and the poor fans. Let's get this over with so they can move on.)

Oh God, he thought, or other suitable entity ... make it happen.

-The Arena Apothecary

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