Wednesday, August 24, 2016
10. Hawaii vs. University of California - Friday August 26th, ANZ Satdium: Sydney, Australia. 10:00PM Many, many people think these Week 1 global neutral site games are a joke and a shameless money grab and to those people I say: You are correct, and I don't care. Gimme a game in Dubai or Luxembourg or wherever, I'm here for it. Sure, even a newly Jared Goff-less Cal will beat the brakes off the Rainbow Warriors, but y'all ... THIS IS THE OPENING GAME OF THE SEASON!!!!!! For the simple benevolent act of being the first guest to arrive at the party, we can forgive this game showing up early and under-dressed with nothing but a bag of Lays and a shitty $4.00 bottle of wine it purchased at a convenience store on the way over.
9. Appalachian State @ #9 Tennessee - Thursday September 1st, Neyland Stadium: Knoxville, TN 7:30PM You're looking at this and wondering why the presumptive SEC East favorites playing a Sun Belt team rates a slot on the list, aren't you? Let me explain. For untold eons, Vols fans have spent every summer convincing themselves that "This is gonna be the year!" only to wallow in disappointment once they drop a few big games. Good news for them: this may actually be that year. The talent and experience on the roster, the coaching staff (hi, Bob Shoop!), and the whole operation may finally be commensurate with the preseason hype. That being said, App State are feisty and physical and they will absolutely wreck your shit if you're not careful. Even a win, if it's ugly and not utterly dominant, would set Tennessee's rabid fan base on edge and prompt another round of torches and pitchforks aimed at Butch Jones. The potential schadenfreude is simply too enticing to pass up.
8. Georgia Tech vs. Boston College - Saturday September 3rd, Aviva Stadium: Dublin, Ireland 7:30AM Let me be very clear: This game will be trash, and there is nothing of football nutritional value to be had here. The triple option is nifty and great, and Paul Johnson's Jackets teams have run it as beautifully as anyone ever has. This won't matter one bit, because Steve Addazio and BC's defense can and will take the most well-calibrated and efficiently executed offenses on earth and drag them into the muck. Of course, BC can't score any points either, so. I put it here for one reason and one reason only: it's the Cibola game. This is the moment in "The Stand" when Trashcan Man, having traversed half of America on foot, finally arrives in Vegas and sees a public fountain. Parched and sun-scarred and incoherent, he plunges in and drinks and drinks and drinks the water. Then he pukes it all back up. That 7:30AM kickoff is there so we can replicate that moment. We've been so deprived of college football that mainlining the stuff, even of a dubious quality, sounds just perfect. This game will maximize your opening Saturday viewing time up to a robust eighteen consecutive hours or so, if you can stay awake through the end of Northern Arizona @ Arizona State. Glorious.
7. #5 LSU vs. Wisconsin - Saturday September 3rd, Lambeau Field: Green Bay, WI 3:30PM Whether or not Leonard Fournette will be completely healthy by the time this one kicks off makes it iffy in this slot, but there's a lot to enjoy here nonetheless. LSU poached the Badgers' excellent D.C. Dave Aranda this offseason which, give that man some SEC-caliber defensive talent to work with and good lord! Also, Wisconsin has made a living as a pretty good team the past several seasons, but we all saw what happened when they opened last year against 'Bama. The carnage will be similar although probably more entertaining simply because games that involve Les Miles are by default more entertaining than other games that do not. Especially if Fournette isn't 100%, I'll be interested to see if the Tigers have finally put together an offense capable of matching their defensive ferocity. Also, Lambeau Field is a pretty cool and storied place to play and/or watch football, so there's that.
6. #10 Notre Dame @ Texas - Sunday September 4th, Royal Texas Memorial Stadium: Austin, TX 7:30PM This will be more for answering a few salient questions than about an actual enjoyable football experience. 1. Can Notre Dame keep their QBs healthy and will they have success without Big Bill Fuller to throw it to? 2. Can Texas find a QB at all? Like, one competent human who is better equipped than Tyrone Swoopes (still reportedly in the mix for a Week 1 start!). Charlie Strong salvaged his 5-7 2015 season by beating Oklahoma and Baylor, but if they get rolled by the Irish like in last year's 38-3 opening debacle, his hindquarters are gonna start feeling mighty toasty mighty quick. Tune in to see how it all shakes out.
5. Western Michigan @ Northwestern - Saturday September 3rd, Ryan Field: Evanston, IL 12:00PM I deeply considered Arizona vs. BYU in Glendale for this spot, but WMU playing the 'Cats has just slightly more potential for complete and outright chaos. (Ags concurs with this decision, so you know it's correct.) Northwestern won 10 games last year! Their only two regular-season losses were against Michigan and the UNDEFEATED (never forget) Iowa Hawkeyes. They were and are a pretty damn good football team, and they are welcoming the Western Michigan Broncos, who are coached by a legitimately and delightfully insane human being in P.J. Fleck. (ROW THE BOAT!!!) By the way, WMU had the gumption to play Michigan State, GA Southern, and Ohio State last season, and didn't look as over-matched as you'd think, no matter what the final scores say. They also won by two touchdowns over a decent Middle Tennessee State team in the Popeyes Bahamas Bowl. I have no idea what will happen in this game, but it's going to be joyfully anarchic and I will enjoy it and you should too.
4. #20 USC vs. #1 Alabama - Saturday September 3rd, AT&T Stadium: Arlington, TX 8:00PM Poor Clay Helton, he didn't ask for this. USC is still loaded with NFL talent in the likes of JuJu Smith-Schuster and Adoree' Jackson, but a first-time (first-time full-time, anyway) head coach trying to put on a good Week 1 showing against 'Bama will likely result in tragedy. Nonetheless, this is a marquee brawl between blue-blood programs, and well worth your attention, if only to witness how inexorably Nick Saban can continue reloading and recalibrating the Crimson Tide into the behemoths they always are.
3. #18 Georgia vs. #22 North Carolina - Saturday September 3rd, Georgia Dome: Atlanta, GA 5:30PM Kirby Smart's debut leading the Dawgs is already a little more interesting than we UGA fans might like. It's unclear whether RBs Nick Chubb or Sony Michel will be fully healthy for this game, and equally uncertain whether Governor Kirby will opt to let true freshman QB Jacob Eason off the chain to start. On the other side of the ball, Georgia lost a lot of their defensive front this year, which is going to make stopping UNC's stupendous RB Elijah Hood a problem. Point in UGA's favor: Carolina gave up roughly 1 trillion rushing yards to a depleted Baylor team running an archaic offense in their bowl game last year. Counterpoint: The Heels were very, very good in 2015, and came within one botched officiating call of a last-minute drive shot at knocking off Clemson in the ACC Championship Game. I believe this game will ultimately come down to whether UNC's Mitch Trubisky can make good on the promise he showed in garbage time last year at QB. If so, Carolina will open up the season in a more dignified fashion than last year's loss to South Carolina. If not, the Dawgs will kick off yet another year with a promising win on the way to a perfectly cromulent 9-3.
2. #3 Oklahoma vs. #15 Houston - Saturday September 3rd, NRG Stadium: Houston, TX 12:00PM Remember that WMU/Northwestern game from earlier? You'll want to put that in a split-screen with this if you don't have access to multiple TVs at noon. Houston burned everyone's houses down last year as the best Group of Five team by a considerable margin. They're squaring off against the Sooners in a "neutral site" game that will probably determine the trajectories of both teams this season. If Oklahoma loses, well, you lost to a Mid-Major, and your repeat playoff chances are already dusted. If Houston loses, well, you couldn't beat an elite program from a Power Five conference, maybe you're not as great as we thought. First off, the Cougars lost a lot of skill talent from their vicious 2015 ground game, which would be a problem for any program. However, I'm not prepared to bet against Tom Herman after the miracles he's already performed. On the flip side, Oklahoma has Baker Mayfield back at QB, one of the most dynamic and exuberant play makers in the game last year. They also return Samaje Perine at running back to create a very problematic backfield for opposing defenses. This is probably the Week 1 game with the most far-reaching and interesting ramifications. However ...
1. #11 Ole Miss vs. # 4 FSU - Monday, September 5th, Florida Citrus Bowl: Orlando, FL 8:00PM AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO BARN F***** BURNER, Y'ALL. CHAD KELLY! QUINCY ADEBOYEJO! DAMORE'EA STRINGFELLOW! ... VS. ... DALVIN COOK! DERWIN JAMES! WHOEVERTHEHELLFSUSTARTSATQUARTERBACK!. HUGH VS. JIMBO! This is going to be a hootenanny powered by cheap grain booze and pure psychosis and fans going "WOOHOO Y'ALL WE GOIN' TO DISNEYLAND TO START THE YEAR!" Over/Under on fights between these two fanbases started in a fast-food or casual-dining establishment in Orlando that weekend: 10.5. In all seriousness, though, this is going to be a really great game between two excellent yet slightly erratic top-flight teams. Gawd, I can't wait. ***
Happy Week 1, Y'all.
***Honorable Mention:*** #2 Clemson @ Auburn - Saturday, September 3rd, Jordan-Hare Stadium: Auburn, AL 9:00PM. Just because Clemson is a blast to watch and this is gonna be a tremendous, incalculable ass-whoopin'.