Sunday, January 1, 2017

The Championship Rematch We Deserve.

Last night, James Harden racked up 53 points, 16 rebounds, and 17 assists.  This not only tied him with Wilt Chamberlain for the most points ever scored in a triple-double performance, it made Harden the only player in NBA history to toss up a 50-15-15 or better.  Also last night, the Carolina Hurricanes put a team equipment manager on the ice as a goalie. Yesterday afternoon, an unranked Virginia Tech squad handed #5 Duke a delightful and utterly disrespectful ass-kicking.  Yesterday morning, LSU kicked off against Louisville and Lamar Jackson who, you know, singlehandedly accounted for 51 TDs this year en route to winning the Heisman. The Tigers held that same electric demigod to 153 passing yards, 33 rushing yards, no TDs, and a 6.9 QBR. 

I mention all of this to give you some context; yesterday contained a fairly respectable crop of "WAIT, THAT HAPPENED?!?!" sports moments.  It's important to me that you know what I'm stacking everything up against before I say this: the absolute most stupefying, jaw-dropping-ly absurd occurrence yesterday was what Clemson did to Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl.  This game should have been a compelling, deeply enjoyable matchup between two very different teams, almost diametrically opposed, even. Clemson was one of the most experienced teams across the board this season, and hyper-dynamic on both sides of the ball. By contrast, OSU (J.T. Barrett aside) were one of the nation's youngest squads and made the playoff by doing typical B1G things: crushing you slowly and with great precision on defense and mostly chewing you up 3 yards at a time on offense.  The 2016 Buckeyes averaged 39.5 points a game and only gave up 12.75.  Sure, some of that was padded-out totals against inferior competition, but OSU also triumphed over a really good Wisconsin squad and beat the brakes off of both Oklahoma and Nebraska.  Their only loss was an exceedingly fluky game against eventual B1G champs Penn State who are headed to what should be a really fun Rose Bowl against USC. Oh yeah, and they won The Game thanks to The Spot. (Michigan fans are STILL Zapruder-ing that thing, btw.)  

Point is, even in what was supposed to be a too-young-too-soon-kinda-rebuilding year, Urban Meyer's team was really damn good. Sooooooo, about yesterday: Clemson 31, OSU 0. Zero. Donut hole. Nada. They ain't score one damn point, y'all.  This was the most vicious hammering Urban Meyer has ever taken as a head coach, the first shutout of his career, and one of the worst beatings of Ohio State's entire 126-year existence as a football program. 

And Clemson did that while playing ... eh, they played pretty well offensively, but they weren't perfect. Deshaun Watson threw 2 picks and only averaged 7.2 YPA. No individual Tigers runner or receiver cracked 100 yards on the day, and outside of some nice Andy Teasdall punts, the special teams didn't get much of anything cooking, either.  Which tells you exactly how brutal and fast and mean and suffocating Clemson's defense was yesterday, because the team-stat disparities are hilarious:

Clemson: 24 1st downs, 470 total yards, 35:51 time of possession.

OSU: 9 1st downs, 215 total yards, 24:09 time of possession.

That's a wholesale demolition against the second-best college coach of his generation. Problem for Clemson is, now they have to face the best.

It looked like Washington might make things interesting for about half a quarter in the Georgia Dome yesterday, but then Bama and The Process shut that mess down with their usual mundane finality.  Watching the Saban-era Tide, and particularly this year's iteration, is watching a riding mower cut through weeds. It's doing the thing it was built for, and it will leave a perfectly manicured yard in its wake, but it's not a particularly compelling viewing experience. The problem with a Tide that just keeps Rolling, facelessly sweeping through valley after valley, is that nothing seems to really slow it down or cause it to change course.

Last year, Clemson came as close as any team to doing something about it.

The 2016 National Championship game was one of the most incredible things I've watched in a lifetime of college football. The Tigers gave Bama all it wanted and then some. Watson was electric, the defense was ferocious, and perhaps most incredibly, Clemson forced the implacable, unwavering Saban machine to play the game THEIR way.  Alabama had to run a decent chunk of their offense doing the spread-tempo stuff Nick Saban abhors just to keep up.  Hell, they even pulled out an onside kick, which is the sort of trickery usually reserved for lesser, mortal teams who are not coached by diminutive sociopaths and whose two-deep is not stocked like a damn bomb shelter of four- and five-star talent.  The fourth quarter was basically one extended montage of jaw-dropping excellence from both teams.  It ended 45-40 Bama, but it was obvious they were happy to get off the field and away from the jet-engine turbine Dabo Swinney hath wrought in Death Valley.

Next Monday, we get Round 2.  Clemson is a year older and more experienced and probably about as angry and excited for this rematch as it is possible for a team to be.  They won't have a chip on their shoulder so much as a Costco-sized crate of Doritos. Bama is, well, Bama. 

The Tigers brought a B-to-B+ game into University of Phoenix Stadium and absolutely wiped the floor with the Buckeyes.  They'll need an A-game performance in Tampa, but if they show up with it, we're going to get a game every bit as amazing as last year's.   Take us out, Bart Scott:

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

10 College Football Games To Watch in Week 1.

The heat won't break properly for a while yet, at least not down south.  Summer will carry itself into mid-September, taunting us with the occasional cool evening only to ramp the heat and humidity back up.  The sticky, horrid monsoon cake God is baking in our geographical oven is not quite done.  But fall will be here Friday, forecast be damned.  And the reason I can say that with certainty and a song in my heart is this: college football is back.  The tinkering with depth charts and playbook install schedules, tailgate menus and marching band halftime routines is wrapping up.  Soon, delightfully soon, we can spend our Saturdays (and hell, our Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights) reveling in the inanity and beauty of this stupid, fantastic game.  In anticipation of our long, football-less offseason's imminent demise, here are my 10 picks for games you should watch on opening weekend. (All times EST.)

10. Hawaii vs. University of California - Friday August 26th, ANZ Satdium: Sydney, Australia.  10:00PM Many, many people think these Week 1 global neutral site games are a joke and a shameless money grab and to those people I say: You are correct, and I don't care.  Gimme a game in Dubai or Luxembourg or wherever, I'm here for it.  Sure, even a newly Jared Goff-less Cal will beat the brakes off the Rainbow Warriors, but y'all ... THIS IS THE OPENING GAME OF THE SEASON!!!!!!  For the simple benevolent act of being the first guest to arrive at the party, we can forgive this game showing up early and under-dressed with nothing but a bag of Lays and a shitty $4.00 bottle of wine it purchased at a convenience store on the way over.

9.  Appalachian State @ #9 Tennessee - Thursday September 1st, Neyland Stadium: Knoxville, TN 7:30PM You're looking at this and wondering why the presumptive SEC East favorites playing a Sun Belt team rates a slot on the list, aren't you?  Let me explain.  For untold eons, Vols fans have spent every summer convincing themselves that "This is gonna be the year!" only to wallow in disappointment once they drop a few big games.  Good news for them: this may actually be that year.  The talent and experience on the roster, the coaching staff (hi, Bob Shoop!), and the whole operation may finally be commensurate with the preseason hype.  That being said, App State are feisty and physical and they will absolutely wreck your shit if you're not careful.  Even a win, if it's ugly and not utterly dominant, would set Tennessee's rabid fan base on edge and prompt another round of torches and pitchforks aimed at Butch Jones.  The potential schadenfreude is simply too enticing to pass up.

8. Georgia Tech vs. Boston College - Saturday September 3rd, Aviva Stadium: Dublin, Ireland 7:30AM Let me be very clear: This game will be trash, and there is nothing of football nutritional value to be had here.  The triple option is nifty and great, and Paul Johnson's Jackets teams have run it as beautifully as anyone ever has.  This won't matter one bit, because Steve Addazio and BC's defense can and will take the most well-calibrated and efficiently executed offenses on earth and drag them into the muck.  Of course, BC can't score any points either, so.  I put it here for one reason and one reason only: it's the Cibola game.  This is the moment in "The Stand" when Trashcan Man, having traversed half of America on foot, finally arrives in Vegas and sees a public fountain.  Parched and sun-scarred and incoherent, he plunges in and drinks and drinks and drinks the water.  Then he pukes it all back up.  That 7:30AM kickoff is there so we can replicate that moment.  We've been so deprived of college football that mainlining the stuff, even of a dubious quality, sounds just perfect. This game will maximize your opening Saturday viewing time up to a robust eighteen consecutive hours or so, if you can stay awake through the end of Northern Arizona @ Arizona State.  Glorious. 

7. #5 LSU vs. Wisconsin - Saturday September 3rd, Lambeau Field: Green Bay, WI 3:30PM Whether or not Leonard Fournette will be completely healthy by the time this one kicks off makes it iffy in this slot, but there's a lot to enjoy here nonetheless.  LSU poached the Badgers' excellent D.C. Dave Aranda this offseason which, give that man some SEC-caliber defensive talent to work with and good lord!  Also, Wisconsin has made a living as a pretty good team the past several seasons, but we all saw what happened when they opened last year against 'Bama.  The carnage will be similar although probably more entertaining simply because games that involve Les Miles are by default more entertaining than other games that do not.  Especially if Fournette isn't 100%, I'll be interested to see if the Tigers have finally put together an offense capable of matching their defensive ferocity.  Also, Lambeau Field is a pretty cool and storied place to play and/or watch football, so there's that.

6. #10 Notre Dame @ Texas - Sunday September 4th, Royal Texas Memorial Stadium: Austin, TX 7:30PM This will be more for answering a few salient questions than about an actual enjoyable football experience. 1. Can Notre Dame keep their QBs healthy and will they have success without Big Bill Fuller to throw it to?  2. Can Texas find a QB at all?  Like, one competent human who is better equipped than Tyrone Swoopes (still reportedly in the mix for a Week 1 start!).  Charlie Strong salvaged his 5-7 2015 season by beating Oklahoma and Baylor, but if they get rolled by the Irish like in last year's 38-3 opening debacle, his hindquarters are gonna start feeling mighty toasty mighty quick.  Tune in to see how it all shakes out.

5. Western Michigan @ Northwestern - Saturday September 3rd, Ryan Field: Evanston, IL 12:00PM I deeply considered Arizona vs. BYU in Glendale for this spot, but WMU playing the 'Cats has just slightly more potential for complete and outright chaos.  (Ags concurs with this decision, so you know it's correct.)  Northwestern won 10 games last year!  Their only two regular-season losses were against Michigan and the UNDEFEATED (never forget) Iowa Hawkeyes.  They were and are a pretty damn good football team, and they are welcoming the Western Michigan Broncos, who are coached by a legitimately and delightfully insane human being in P.J. Fleck. (ROW THE BOAT!!!)  By the way, WMU had the gumption to play Michigan State, GA Southern, and Ohio State last season, and didn't look as over-matched as you'd think, no matter what the final scores say.  They also won by two touchdowns over a decent Middle Tennessee State team in the Popeyes Bahamas Bowl.  I have no idea what will happen in this game, but it's going to be joyfully anarchic and I will enjoy it and you should too.

4. #20 USC vs. #1 Alabama - Saturday September 3rd, AT&T Stadium: Arlington, TX 8:00PM Poor Clay Helton, he didn't ask for this.  USC is still loaded with NFL talent in the likes of JuJu Smith-Schuster and Adoree' Jackson, but a first-time (first-time full-time, anyway) head coach trying to put on a good Week 1 showing against 'Bama will likely result in tragedy.  Nonetheless, this is a marquee brawl between blue-blood programs, and well worth your attention, if only to witness how inexorably Nick Saban can continue reloading and recalibrating the Crimson Tide into the behemoths they always are.

3. #18 Georgia vs. #22 North Carolina - Saturday September 3rd, Georgia Dome: Atlanta, GA 5:30PM Kirby Smart's debut leading the Dawgs is already a little more interesting than we UGA fans might like.  It's unclear whether RBs Nick Chubb or Sony Michel will be fully healthy for this game, and equally uncertain whether Governor Kirby will opt to let true freshman QB Jacob Eason off the chain to start.  On the other side of the ball, Georgia lost a lot of their defensive front this year, which is going to make stopping UNC's stupendous RB Elijah Hood a problem.  Point in UGA's favor: Carolina gave up roughly 1 trillion rushing yards to a depleted Baylor team running an archaic offense in their bowl game last year.  Counterpoint: The Heels were very, very good in 2015, and came within one botched officiating call of a last-minute drive shot at knocking off Clemson in the ACC Championship Game.  I believe this game will ultimately come down to whether UNC's Mitch Trubisky can make good on the promise he showed in garbage time last year at QB.  If so, Carolina will open up the season in a more dignified fashion than last year's loss to South Carolina.  If not, the Dawgs will kick off yet another year with a promising win on the way to a perfectly cromulent 9-3.

2. #3 Oklahoma vs. #15 Houston - Saturday September 3rd, NRG Stadium: Houston, TX 12:00PM Remember that WMU/Northwestern game from earlier?  You'll want to put that in a split-screen with this if you don't have access to multiple TVs at noon.  Houston burned everyone's houses down last year as the best Group of Five team by a considerable margin.  They're squaring off against the Sooners in a "neutral site" game that will probably determine the trajectories of both teams this season.  If Oklahoma loses, well, you lost to a Mid-Major, and your repeat playoff chances are already dusted.  If Houston loses, well, you couldn't beat an elite program from a Power Five conference, maybe you're not as great as we thought.  First off, the Cougars lost a lot of skill talent from their vicious 2015 ground game, which would be a problem for any program.  However, I'm not prepared to bet against Tom Herman after the miracles he's already performed.  On the flip side, Oklahoma has Baker Mayfield back at QB, one of the most dynamic and exuberant play makers in the game last year.  They also return Samaje Perine at running back to create a very problematic backfield for opposing defenses.  This is probably the Week 1 game with the most far-reaching and interesting ramifications.  However ...

1. #11 Ole Miss vs. # 4 FSU - Monday, September 5th, Florida Citrus Bowl: Orlando, FL 8:00PM AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO BARN F***** BURNER, Y'ALL.  CHAD KELLY! QUINCY ADEBOYEJO! DAMORE'EA STRINGFELLOW! ... VS. ... DALVIN COOK!  DERWIN JAMES! WHOEVERTHEHELLFSUSTARTSATQUARTERBACK!.  HUGH VS. JIMBO!  This is going to be a hootenanny powered by cheap grain booze and pure psychosis and fans going "WOOHOO Y'ALL WE GOIN' TO DISNEYLAND TO START THE YEAR!"  Over/Under on fights between these two fanbases started in a fast-food or casual-dining establishment in Orlando that weekend: 10.5.  In all seriousness, though, this is going to be a really great game between two excellent yet slightly erratic top-flight teams.  Gawd, I can't wait.   ***

Happy Week 1, Y'all. 

***Honorable Mention:*** #2 Clemson @ Auburn - Saturday, September 3rd, Jordan-Hare Stadium: Auburn, AL 9:00PM.  Just because Clemson is a blast to watch and this is gonna be a tremendous, incalculable ass-whoopin'.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

More Things In Heaven And Earth ...

The NBA offseason always feels like a race to drop the first and most incisive hot takes on every new development.  We get buried in a deluge of trades, free agency signings, and retirements, and we immediately dissect it all on a granular level.  There are endless internet symposiums on cap space and new rotations and team dynamics and legacies.  This summer has been no different.  All the conceivable digital ink in the world has already been spilled on a wide range of subjects and characters.  We've parsed the minutiae of every decision, speculated on the ramifications, and screamed at each other about who got paid too much for too many years.  We've sorted and catalogued and analyzed it all to death on a case-by-case basis.  But step back with me for a second, here.  Zoom way, way out and contemplate everything that's happened from a league-wide vantage point.  Then ask yourself: have you ever seen an NBA landscape as totally alien as what we'll be looking at when the 2016-17 season tips off? 

It's just utterly surreal.  All the tectonic-shift-level, paradigm-shattering occurrences ... man, this isn't even staring back at Earth after accidentally waking up on Mars.  Nah, B.  We just went down a wormhole to a quadrant and temporal pocket of the universe that is recognizable to our tiny, pathetic consciousness only because we've seen stars before and we know we're on a rock somewhere in space.   

Let's start with the absentees.  Tim Duncan and Kobe Bryant began their NBA careers before I took the PSATs, and each played for (and to a large extent defined) a single franchise for his entire career.  They are arguably the two most accomplished and important post-Jordan players in NBA history.  (LeBron: pending.)  Amar'e Stoudemire has been around since before I graduated college, and has been a vibrant and important figure in the league for most of his very laudable tenure.  For the first time in ages, none of them will be in uniform next year.  And while I suspect he has one more year in his pathologically competitive tank, Kevin Garnett is on the fence about joining them.  Hell, even if KG sticks around for another season, that's a proportionally insane amount of transcendence that won't be on the court this fall.  It's an actual, honest-to-god end of an era. 

Couple those momentous departures with all the players whose new uniforms will require some viewer processing time before they even begin to look normal.  In terms of on-court impact, KD signing with the Dubs is the obvious "HOLY F***?!?!?!" example, but far from the only out-sized bafflement we'll see.  Flash and Rondo will be coming out of the home tunnel in Chicago next season; about which: 1. how is that team even going to function on either end of the floor? and 2. Wade wearing anything other than a Heat jersey seems completely crazy even if he did "go home."  And speaking of the Bulls, former franchise lifers D-Rose and Jo Noah WON'T be coming out of that same tunnel because they're both on the friggin' Knicks now, yet another team whose basketball identity is going to be a mystery until we see it in real time. 

On a somewhat lesser scale, we'll watch Pau Gasol fulfill what seems like an inevitable destiny in hindsight as he dons a Spurs jersey.  And, please let me indulge some personal heartbreak here: Jeff Teague is on the Pacers and Alfred Joel Horford, my most beloved of all Hawks since 'Nique (no offense intended to Mutombo, Steve Smith, etc.) will be wearing Celtics green, which just ... goddamnit everything is terrible.  Compounding the misery: in Al's place will be Dwight Howard, another big name who changed teams, and whose fit in Atlanta's motion-predicated offense and team culture makes zero sense.   (Though, as a very faint silver lining, the Hawks stunk at rebounding last year, and Howard will probably bolster that shortcoming.) 

Then, there are the salaries being dished out to every other free agent.  We can talk Mozgov's Lakers deal, or Mike Conley now being the highest-paid player in history, but the bottom line is: shit got weird with NBA money this year.  It seems like front offices around the league have lost their minds, but this is actually the most "normal" aspect of the offseason insanity.  Right now, there are the deals which were signed under the prior cap limitations and those signed under the new, TV-revenue-augmented structure.  As the old ones cycle out, this will all rejigger itself back to a world in which the salaries are relatively commensurate with the talent.  You can know that, and understand why it happened and project the long-term recalibrations, but it doesn't make the current situation feel much less ridiculous when you're checking the numbers, right? 

Lastly, there are the teams who look ready, finally, to turn some kind of corner and/or forge new identites.  Hoo boy, are the Wolves and Jazz gonna be entertaining next year!  Raise your hand if you're enthralled by the concept of Buddy Hield and a (hopefully) healthy Anthony Davis and Jrue Holiday in New Orleans!  Stand up for a fury-driven Westbrook to lead the new and fascinating OKC roster! 

Everything is different now.  Well, almost everything.  The game is still the beautiful, amorphous symphony it always has been.  The participants will just be coming at it from wildly different vectors than last year, is all.  Good Gawd, this is going to be such a strange, delightful fever dream of a season.  I can't wait for October 25th. 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Change It.

Baylor Univeristy head football coach Art Briles was fired on Thursday, amid a scandal whose details are becoming more horrifying than they already were as further information becomes public. The recently-released key findings pdf of the Pepper Hamilton report details an institutional culture that repeatedly ignored, marginalized, and/or directly threatened victims of rape, sexual assault and domestic violence while shielding and covering up for those responsible, many of them football players.  According to reports from a variety of outlets including ESPN, Deadspin, and SBNation, this behavior extended to every conceivable level, from Briles to AD Ian McCaw to Baylor President Kenneth Starr to the Waco Police Department.  (McCaw and Starr have been penalized but not dismissed from the university at the time of this writing.)  All of this, sadly, sounds very familiar in the context of sports, sexual and domestic violence, and misogyny at large. 

Purely talking about college football in recent memory, we have similar cases involving Jameis Winston at FSU and (still-waiting-for-the-other-shoe) Peyton Manning and other athletes at Tennessee.  As for pro athletes, we need look no further than Ben Rothlisberger, Aroldis Chapman, Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Kobe Bryant.

A few words on the latter two: We just watched Kobe play a farewell-tour season in which he was showered in accolades and boatloads of florid prose were heaped upon his accomplishments on the court.  Scant mention was ever made during all this of what happened in Eagle, Colorado.  When Hardy was released by the Panthers, pundits speculating on where he might resume his career talked in terms of "bad optics" or "a public relations problem", ignoring entirely the fact that the real problem was a man who more or less skated on his inability to behave like a human being.

All of these people, from Baylor to Bryant, have a few salient things in common. 1. They're men.  2. They were accused of sexual assault or domestic violence against women. 3. Their status as notable athletes allowed them, through varying channels and to varying degrees, to circumvent the consequences of their alleged actions. 

Young women were subjected to awful, tragic, life-altering events.  They were then systematically shamed and ignored by the various academic and league institutions and law enforcement agencies ostensibly designed to protect them.  These are the most visceral examples, but far from the only ones.  This is the worst of it, but far from the totality of heinousness that women endure in sports. 

Consider the recent ESPNW PSA in which men read aloud and on camera some of the truly despicable invective hurled at female sports media personalities on Twitter.  Or you could look to Seattle, Washington, where a recent city council vote led to a similar rash of garbage aimed at the councilwomen who voted against the building of a new arena designed to lure an NBA or NHL team to the city.

Look, too, at the US Women's Soccer Team having to boycott matches because they were not afforded safe, decent playing surfaces.  Look at them having to wage a legal battle for an equal pay scale. 

The names and specifics change, but it's always the same dismal cycle, time and time again.  Male athletes do unspeakable things to the women around them and go scot-free because they are staggering revenue generators for their schools, teams, leagues, etc.  Female athletes and female sports journalists are harassed, threatened, demeaned, marginalized and belittled; denied equal respect, remuneration, and acclaim, constantly in a 24/7 churn of institutional prejudice and misogynistic social-media bile.

All of this, the assaults and violence, the harassment and marginalization, stems from a single abomination in our society: the ethos that says "women are less."  Less capable.  Less deserving of our admiration and respect.  Less knowledgeable.  Less than human.  Obviously, this is sickeningly pervasive in all aspects of our lives, but nowhere does this fundamental problem scream more loudly than in sports. 

This is all clearly utter fucking crap, so here are a few things I would like to see happen:

1. If you're a lawyer or government official reading this: I know there's a whole mess of Constitutional and legal wrangling here, but: we need the Laws of the Land amended in such a way that violent crimes committed by men against women can be prosecuted as hate crimes.  Because often, that's exactly what they are.  We also need a legal system that functions as intended and doesn't NOT slap cuffs on someone just because he had 100 rushing yards or tossed up a triple double last week.

2. If you're a male reading this: police your friends.  Derisive comments, jokes, et al aimed at women are symptomatic of the deeper issue here, and we can start changing that mentality only if we speak up.  So please, explain to those around you who say those kinds of things, who think and feel that way, why they're wrong.  Tell them, in no uncertain terms, to knock that shit off.  If they can alter their behavior and perceptions, that's a start.  If they won't listen, they are garbage excuses for human beings and you should punt them into the sun at your earliest convenience.   

3. If you're a parent reading this: parent your sons.  Teach them why damn near everything they are being told to think and feel regarding women by the media and society is, to varying degrees, completely wrong.  Teach them to be not only respectful, but active in supporting and encouraging the girls and women in their lives.  Teach them to value everyone equally, and to never do anything that would lessen that value. 

4. If you're reading this: engage positively with women in sports.  Check out a WNBA or women's college hoops game, and I promise you'll enjoy the experience.  The NCAA Women's College World Series is starting soon, and if your alma mater isn't in the field, there are a bunch of really enjoyable teams out there, so pick a bandwagon and hop on.  Follow the NWSL, or get into women's hockey.  Read female sports columnists and listen to their podcasts and commentary in other outlets.  If you agree with their positions and takes and think they're doing good work, let them know.  There is a wealth of fantastic stuff out there in the sports world revolving around women, and you should seek it out, partly because it's a proactive way to help, but mostly because it's really excellent shit and if you're not getting in on it then you're missing out.  

5. Most of all, just stop.  Stop and think about how awful, how pervasive and persistent all of this is. 

Then, do your best, as much and as often as you can, to change it. 

Saturday, April 2, 2016

The Braves Go To Art Class

When I was a little kid, art class was definitely the highlight of my school day.  This was mostly because I spent a lot of time in my own head growing up, and it was the one opportunity throughout the grind of elementary school where you weren't required to focus on anyone or anything other than your own task.  Sure, occasionally you had to work with other students on a project, but it was mostly everyone making their own Thingy Of The Day.  No listening to the teachers, no interacting with the other horrible little shits that many 1st-5th graders so often are.  It was a blissful, brief period of isolation, and I loved it.

 I was, roughly speaking, a little above average at art.  My clay pots were admittedly just as lumpy and misshapen as the next kid's, but I was really good at drawing and painting, and better than most at building stuff with wood and/or metal.  But oh, I had a nemesis in the art room, a tool whose very existence seemed to mock me every time we were compelled to utilize it.  That's right: your garden-variety, crappy art class pair of scissors.  This was partly due to the era in which I grew up.  I'm a lefty, and our other-handed needs just weren't seen as important back then, so every pair of scissors was a battle from jump with their inherent righty prejudice.  The other thing is that the motor skills necessary to wield scissors with precision and effectiveness are simply not in my DNA.  (Feel free to verify this with anyone who's ever opened a gift from me and seen the sad, jagged tatters of wrapping paper on the bottom of the box.)  As a result, every project that involved cutting shapes out of construction paper or making picture collages came out as pretty much a complete disaster.  Sure, if you squinted hard, you could make out a vague resemblance to what the thing was SUPPOSED to be, but it was mostly just a mess.

The Atlanta Braves' front office is second-grade me with a pair of scissors.

Just look at this heap of garbage:

That's our Opening Day roster for the 2016 season.  Much like my scissors-based art output, it sorta-kinda resembles the thing it's supposed to be (i.e. a major league roster), but is mostly a poorly-constructed, nonsensical approximation thereof.  There is no logic or forethought, no skill or smarts or vision,  evident anywhere in that list. 

The Braves went to art class.  They snipped and snipped away the soul of the team, took the mangled remains, pasted some other raggedy cutouts on a moldy piece of poster board they found in the very back of the supply cabinet, and now we all have to live with the result.  Sigh.  Happy almost-Opening Day, y'all.  Don't let me near the scissors.  I've been drinking.  

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Backdoor Cut

Just before the trade deadline, there was talk of starting a rebuild.  The Hawks were having a middling season, nestled in the bottom half of the Eastern Conference playoff race and playing largely uninspired basketball.  Rumors had longtime franchise cornerstones Jeff Teague and Al Horford on the block.  Moving either or both would have altered the immediate trajectory of the team and the season for the worse, but the thinking was understandable.  It was easy to feel that this current iteration had reached its ceiling.  It was also reasonable to look at the Cavs and Raptors (possibly even the Celtics) and see too-long odds going forward.  Maybe it was time to take a step back and retool.

Or maybe not.  Other than a negligible move that sent Shelvin Mack to Utah and brought Kirk Hinrich back to Atlanta, the Hawks ultimately chose to stand pat.  They stumbled through the end of February, going 2-3 after the deadline, and looked pretty much resigned to a .500-ish end of the season.  Then, quietly, something started happening on a west-coast road trip.  It began with a loss.

For a team that was one of the NBA's surprise darlings just last year, scant mention has been of Atlanta this season.  The focus has, quite understandably, been on the Cavs in the East and the Spurs and Warriors in the West.  As you may have heard, neither of the latter two have lost at home yet this year, and it's an easy narrative to fit the Hawks' loss to Golden State on March 1st into that framework.  But I believe that defeat galvanized the team.  They walked into the impregnable fortress that Oracle Arena has been for the Dubs, traded punches with a juggernaut of literally historical proportions, and juuuust came out on the wrong end of a measly four-point margin in overtime, 109-105.  Granted, Steph Curry was in street clothes nursing an injured ankle, but it was still an affirmation that Atlanta could contend with the best team in the league.  The script has flipped for the Hawks ever since.

They've won eight of their last nine games, including four against playoff teams (Clips, Griz, Rockets and Pacers) and two more against squads that could easily make the postseason (Utah and Detroit, both sitting just out of the 8-seeds in their respective conferences.)  Last night's win over Houston, their 5th in a row, gave them the third best record in the East.

Over that 5-game win streak, Al Horford and Paul Millsap have combined to average 34 points and 16 rebounds per game.  Kyle Korver, who has struggled at times to regain his torrid marksmanship from last year, has shot 53.8% from deep.  Jeff Teague has put up 13 points and 8 assists a night, and backup point guard Dennis Schroder has notched 10 and 4 in just under 17 minutes per game.  Recent acquisition Kris Humphries has made solid contributions off the bench and given the team some interior depth.  And hoo boy, let's talk about Tim Hardaway Jr.  The much-maligned Draft Day maneuver that brought Hardaway to Atlanta is finally paying some dividends, and he's been absolutely blistering in his last two games: 59.05 FG%, 60.7(!!!) 3FG%, 93.75 FT%, and 20.5 PPG.  Good gawd.

As a team over that five-game stretch, the Hawks have outscored opponents 108-93 on average.  They're +10 in turnover margin, and playing the same hellacious defense that's had them ranked second only to the Spurs in Defensive Efficiency for most of the season.  They're still atrocious on the glass, particularly on the offensive end (dead last in the league in ORR with a paltry 19.4), but otherwise they're playing superb all-around basketball and cohering at precisely the right moment.  Which raises an interesting question: what of the Hawks' postseason chances?

Look, just hear me out on this for a second.  Last year was lightning in a bottle.  60 wins, the top seed in the East, four All Star selections, a COY for Bud, and the team's first ever trip to the Eastern Conference Finals.  Then LeBron and the Cavs decimated us in a clean sweep, and everyone remembered that all that sublime team basketball doesn't usually pay off without at least one elite-caliber player to take on the onus come playoff time.  But there was so, so much pressure and scrutiny on that team.  They had the weight of unfair expectations pressing down on them, and they folded.  This year, no one is talking about Atlanta.  The pressure is elsewhere, on the Warriors chasing 73 and the Cavs' myriad chemistry issues both on and off the court.  The Hawks are in a position they're much more accustomed to: flying under the radar.  Barring a massive shakeup in the standings, they'll likely face either the Hornets or Celtics in Round 1, both very winnable series with a home court advantage.  If they can survive a second-round matchup with someone (Miami? Indy?) and get back to the ECF, what then?

Everyone's been saying for months now that the Raptors are the sole legitimate threat to Cleveland in the East, but the way they're playing right now, couldn't Atlanta beat either of those teams?  They're deeper than Toronto, and have none of the dysfunction that's been threatening to implode the Cavs all season.  They've also been through the crucible of a Conference Finals now, a year older and wiser and more battle-tested than they were.  Could they ride hot shooting and lockdown defense through seven games with the Raps?  Could they beat a Cavs team whose internal struggles may overwhelm or at least hamper LeBron's individual brilliance?  You wanna bet Mike Budenholzer can't outcoach the bejesus out of Ty Lue in that series?  We'll get a decent preview of both possible matchups before the end of the season, as the Hawks have two games apiece left against Toronto and Cleveland, one home and one away for each.  If they can show up strong in those four contests, I'll be ready to believe.  For now, Atlanta can continue to play carefree basketball, oblivious to the noise of the league, knowing exactly how dangerous they are and how few people are acknowledging that fact.  Sometimes it's better to be sneaky good; to let the league keep their collective eyes on the titans holding the ball while you make a backdoor cut. 

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Notes From Carmichael 1.9 and 1.10

The end of the season did not go well for our beloved Heels.  After topping BC on the road and Virginia Tech at home, we dropped the final five games to finish the year at 14-17, going 4-12 in conference play.  Ags and I caught the final two home contests, last Sunday against NC State, and this afternoon against Duke.  Here's the postmortem. 

1.9 - NC State, Feb 21.  We watched an incredibly janky video feed of Carolina "at" State a few weeks ago.  (While they renovate Reynolds Coliseum, the Wolfpack are playing their home games in a Raleigh high school gym, and the tape looked exactly like a junior AV club production of a sporting event.)  In retrospect, it was just as well the contrast was fuzzy and the camera didn't always track correctly.  State crushed the Heels 78-49, completely dismantling them in the second half.  We were hopeful a rematch at home might turn the tables, but despite Steph cranking out 30 points and 13 rebounds and Des and Jamie each scoring 13, the Wolfpack overwhelmed Carolina again.  They out-shot us 43.8% to 32.1% from the field and killed us on the glass at both ends.  Besides Steph's bonkers outing, the one other flashing moment of brightness in the gloom came from 'Dea, who made one of the most freakishly athletic plays I've seen all season.  She went airborne to block a shot in the paint, came down for a fraction of an instant, and then somehow sprang right back up again to block a second attempt.  I mean, she didn't even need to bend her knees on the second block, she just pinged off the floor like it was a trampoline.  It was incredible.  That lady is a goddess, y'all. 

1.10 - Duke, February 28.  It was Senior Day today, and the reality of not watching 'Dea and Erika next season hit me hard during the pregame ceremony.  (It got a little dusty in Carmichael for a second, is all I'm saying.)  It was also Sylvia Hatchell's 64th birthday, and it pains me to say she did not have a happy one.  I don't even really want to write about it.  Duke has had a fairly mediocre season, but they are huge and athletic and they shot the holy hell out of the ball today.  The first half, and particularly the second quarter, was nearly flawless for the Blue Devils.  They moved the ball, forced turnovers, essentially doubled the Heels' FG%, and went 7-14 from deep.  By contrast, Carolina couldn't buy a bucket or a stop all afternoon.  The game was over at halftime and the indignity only worsened as the margin blew out down the stretch.  The game, and the season, came to an end 93-57.  It was a rough year. 

There's still the ACC Tournament, and a chance to maybe tilt the scales of that aforementioned 4-12 conference record back to a more favorable ratio.  We'll be watching.  Go Heels.